I understand that communication is key in a working marriage. But what do you do when your husband won't talk to you? I have tried everything. I write notes to tell him what I'm feeling and try to get a response from him. He reads them sometimes, but not always. I try poetry, but he just tells me that he likes them and he knows they are about him. He says he likes to hear me sing, so I've even tried singing songs that fit and he just listens to my voice and ignores the words.

I am at my wit's end. I don't know what to do. I am afraid that this communication problem is going to result in an irreparable breach in our marriage. Right now, we could fix it. But it will take both of us. From what I see in his actions, he doesn't want to try. He seems comfortable where we are and doesn't seem to have any motivation to change the way the things are.

I really am at loss about what to do now. I love him so much that my chest fills up with a warm flush whenever I think about him or look at him. We use to be a really loving couple. We use to curl up on the couch and watch movies. We used to talk about everything, including our relationship. All that seems to have gone away though. I really wish we could get that back. Now the only time he curls up with me is if he's frisky. And that doesn't happen nearly as much as I would like it to.

It hurts so much that he has shut me out like this. I don't understand it. I just want us to be happy. We used to be. Why can't we still be happy?


Comments

  • LoriaAmnekia said Aug 22, 2006...
    I don't know. He works a lot, but when he gets home he goes for his computer and gets online. Then he grabs the remote and turns on his car/motorcycle building shows that annoy me to no end. (It's one thing to watch him work on his car in the garage, another thing entirely to watch it on tv.) I end up with no choice but to stay on my computer. I've asked him so many times to sit and watch something with me that we both like. But it never happens. Sometimes I think that he wasn't as ready for us to get married as he said he was. We were planning a wedding (that was supposed to happen this year) when my stepdad passed away. It was such a shock to everyone. And my family treated him horribly. I was in pre-term labor, just trying to make it till the end of the month, and no one would let him go to the wake or the funeral with me. It hurt. And realizing that anyone can die at any time, made us decide that we didn't want to wait to get married. Two weeks after we got married, our daughter was born. Maybe he is having a hard time adjusting. I don't know. I'm so lost and confused right now.
  • silverwhisper said Aug 22, 2006...
    loria, i'm so sorry to hear that. what precisely is it that's occupying that time now? the time you used to spend together, i mean, just being happy? is it possible he's having trouble reconciling the idea you as a mother and as his wife? i'm aware that some men have that problem. ed
  • silverwhisper said Aug 22, 2006...
    see, i have been that guy. for a while i was absolutely addicted to a computer game. the real problem here is whatever it is he's doing on the computer. if he's going online to play a game, he's probably addicted. this is shockingly common, sadly. if he's going online to look at porn or hang out on discussion forums, same thing. ed
  • LoriaAmnekia said Aug 22, 2006...
    Mostly he goes into forums about computers or cars. He gets as caught up in them as I do here or on the fanfiction sites I go to. Whenever I bring it up to him, he tells me that since I'm always on the computer, why shouldn't he be? But I would get off of mine if he was ever willing to do something together. He doesn't really look at porn. Once in a very great while we will watch one together, but that's it. When he's on the gaming site he frequents, I sometimes join him in a game. But that's the closest we come to doing something together.
  • silverwhisper said Aug 22, 2006...
    why not give him some advance warning and go out for a movie or something? you know, a date night? maybe a change of venue is really what's needed. ed
  • LoriaAmnekia said Aug 22, 2006...
    I've actually tried that before. But once the day came, he didn't feel like going anywhere. Right now it's hard to arrange anything because we don't have anyone who can babysit for us. I've had to get my friends and my mom to help me convince him that we need to start going over to his parents' more often. He was a hermit when we got together, but he got out of it. We used to drive around just to be together. I know gas prices are out of control, but we could walk. It wouldn't take much for him to come home and say, "Grab the stroller, Hon. We're taking the baby for a walk." We used to walk all the time, go to movies, grab a bit to eat somewhere, go to our friends' houses, all knds of thing. Now, he never wants to go anywhere except work or my mom's. Oh, but Friday after work he is going to a truck stop/diner in another town to meet with his two buddies from work so they can "talk shop."
  • Alyss said Aug 22, 2006...
    SW has made some good points and suggestions as ever. If babysitters are a problem have you tried the special dinner, candles, napkins wine approach? Or renting his favourite movie or preferably a movie you'd both like to watch?
  • silverwhisper said Aug 22, 2006...
    loria: hey, ain't nothing stopping you from saying "grab the stroller, hon, we're talking the baby for a walk" is there? :> ed
  • LoriaAmnekia said Aug 22, 2006...
    Alyss: I've tried having something he likes for dinner ready, and a movie in the dvd player. He tells me "I had a late lunch, I'm not hungry." Or a he scarfs it at his computer. SW: I have tried before. But it's getting more important than ever for me to start excerisng. I have been gaining weight all year and I hate it. I fear I am genetically pre-disposed to weight gain, and I want to fight it. maybe if I remind him of that, he'll start walking with me again. There's one other little thing that has me upset. I've quit listening to our song because every time I would turn it on, he would turn it off. If a song signifies something so important, why would you refuse to listen to it?
  • silverwhisper said Aug 22, 2006...
    then maybe you should do it without him. take the baby with you and go for a walk. he turns off your song when it's on? to me, that's a bigger problem. i'm sorry, i'm out of ideas now. :| ed
  • LoriaAmnekia said Aug 22, 2006...
    I appreciate all the help you've given me. I'm all out of ideas too. I have taken her for a walk before while he was at work. I was scared. This is a big town and the whole town has a bad reputation. We only live here because our landlord is a friend of ours and we can't afford any of the apartments or houses in the area. I guess I will just keep trying. Maybe I'll dig out the CD with our song on it and listen to it through my headphones tonight. If he doesn't know what I'm listening to until I start singing it, he can't turn it off. Besides, if I do it through my computer, he'd have to come to me to turn it off. I think I'll do that tonight. After I try to get him to go for a walk.
  • silverwhisper said Aug 22, 2006...
    good luck, loria. ed
  • LoriaAmnekia said Aug 22, 2006...
    Thank you, SW.
  • secretlife said Aug 22, 2006...
    counseling? A priest or minister to intervene? A close friend to talk to him about how upset you are? A family member?
  • ayinkurie said Aug 22, 2006...
    It happens to me so many times. Its hard to make them speak. You will not know and understand what's bothering his mind. My advice, if you still can stand it. Just let him be what he wants to be. Do the same thing as he did. Just keep quiet and just play his tunes. He will speak up when he's tired of having you as his double. If you can't stand it anymore, talk to somebody that you can trust and very close to him. That person should not speak on your behalf. It has to be based on his observation. He/she realised there is a problem between you and your hubby. and he/she willing to be the middle person. Till then, take care and stay cool :)
  • kdarticles said Aug 23, 2006...
    Are you sure he is at work all that time? I hate to put that out there, but something just doesn't seem right. He turns off "your" song? Something is wrong. I don't know what, but he does. You have to sit down by him and make him look at you and tell him that "this" isn't working. Ask him what the problem is. Ask him why he turns the song off, why he's never home, why he doesn't want to spend time with you. Ask him if he even wants to be married. Hopefully you'll get some answers. Don't be accusing when asking these questions, just say you’re asking these things because you don't know what else could be wrong since he won't talk to you. If these questions don't bring his attention to the fact that there is a problem, then there has to be something more to it. Any husband that loves his wife and hears her say those things would have to respond and want to fix it. This is just my opinion, I have had the same type of problems with my husband, but he will talk to me about it if I sit down and tell him there is a problem. He may be oblivious to me sometimes, but he never wants me to feel that way and he will do anything to try and fix it. My husband would never turn "our" song off..... I hope you can talk to him, because communication is so important. I hope everything is just fine and that he just needs to get better at spending time with you instead of the computer. I hope that it isn't anything worse than just the computer addiction. Good luck to you.
  • LoriaAmnekia said Aug 23, 2006...
    I know he's work, because I know who he works with and I know of at least one of them who wouldn't let him get away with lying to me about it. Tonight I think I'm going to try again to talk to him. I was going to work on seduction tonight (that's for another post), but I need to talk to him first. Thank you, everyone for your kind thoughts and for the taking the time to post and trying to help me with this. I appreciate it all very much.
  • clubber_jones said Aug 23, 2006...
    you know after our baby was born, my husband is also like that. He hates to see me, hates to be with me...But i hate him, too. It's a natural thing...the adjustment...after awhile the hate feeling went away and replaced with love for our daughter. Our daughter now is the greatest thing that bonds us together. Maybe you should let your husband and your child to have more bonding moments...Once he realized that the person who gave birth to his child is you (the person he loves) he may mellow once again and treasure you more.
  • LoriaAmnekia said Aug 23, 2006...
    clubber: I try giving time with the baby. He works so much though. He's gone by 8:30 most mornings and (like last night) most nights he doesn't get home until she's ready for bed, which is usually between 8 and 9. She misses him. I know it. Everytime she hears his voice on the phone she tries to get to him. There's just not enough hours in the day I guess. When he's off work, I leave her to him and find something to occupy myself. That way the can spend time together. I try to keep her awake at night so that she can see him before she goes to bed. Although, if he isn't home by about quarter after 9, I go ahead and lay her down. I just hope that what ever is happening to us can be righted, and soon.
  • hurtslikehell said Jul 18, 2009...
    I have been in the exact type of relationship u are talking about for 14 years and cannot seem to break thru it - any ideas or suggestions welcome!!
  • angel64 said Feb 16, 2010...
    Not sure where to start.. my husband and I have always had communication issues. He never likes to discuss anything, especially when there is a problem. This is my second marriage and is going on 10 years. After we married he lived in another state for the first 9 months.. it took alot of discussion to get him to move back "home." I guess that should ahve been the first clue. After 2nd anniversary.. still issues, during anniversary dinner I asked him why he was different then he was before we married.. he said that if I had known what he was really like I would not have married him.. that was insulting! He also is into porn especially on the computer (on occassion has gone out with "friends" to strip clubs. Found out he was logging into web sites chatting with women and telling them he was either not married or unhappily married. When approached and asked why, the I don't know reponse was given.. another insult. Then I found out he smokes pot.. when I asked him if he would rather give up pot or me he refused to answer but made it apparent through actions that it was not pot he was willing to give up. I have three children of my own and now one with him and he has one from a previous relationship (not marriage) that was see during summers and holidays. I am all about my children.. he on the other hand is all about him... I feel stuck. I don't want my children to see me divorce again.. but I can't live like this either. He won't do counseling.. already tried the church couseling route.. that lead to now where.. Am I at the end of my rope?

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